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what not to wear after fifty: part 2

What Not To Wear After Fifty: Part Two (More Adult Language)

By Michelle Combs (GRANDmom of four…soon to be five)

I wrote about things women over fifty shouldn’t wear anymore and seemed to touch a collective nerve. I decided that, perhaps, I didn’t give the subject enough thought. So, I’ve added to the list of things we should no longer wear:

  • Bitterness

    – When you are bitter, then you get lip lines. You know those lines. The lines that make your lipstick bleed up onto your face. When you are bitter, you make a face that is the opposite of “duck face”. You pucker your lips up instead of pushing them out, making an “asshole face”. If you stop wearing bitterness, then you won’t have to suffer the heartbreak of lip lines caused by perpetual asshole face.

  • Anything that hurts

    – For all that is holy, we have bodies. Many of us humans have bodies with peaks and valleys. That sounds more scenic than rolls and bulges. Is it really necessary to squeeze ourselves into squishy underwear that makes a good mood nearly impossible? We are who we are. We don’t have to bind ourselves to be more visually pleasing to the other humans. Unless we are going to our class reunion, in which case, the super squishy Spanx are in order. It’s not just trying to force our tummies to be flat and our asses to stop jiggling. Must we force our feet into shoes that pinch our toes and break our hips? I’m not suggesting that you give up your shoe habit. I’m suggesting you wear footwear that is stylish/funky/trendy and also not a death trap. Personally, I find a nice pair of combat boots works with so many different looks.

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  • Doormats

    – Not actual doormats, that is just silly and not at all practical as clothing. Although, a doormat would be more practical than a meat dress. I’m looking at you, Gaga. I mean, give up being a doormat. Don’t wait for people to come around and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Don’t stew in frustrated anger when people put unreasonable demands on you. Stand up for yourself. Honestly, in all likelihood, no one else is going to stand up for you. It makes no sense to not defend ourselves. We deserve nothing less.

  • Pettiness

    – Wearing pettiness just isn’t safe. Pettiness adversely affects your vision. When you wear pettiness, you can’t see beyond whatever ugly thought you are clinging to. When you surround yourself in pettiness, then you limit your range of motion. You won’t grow. You won’t appreciate beauty or humor or clean drinking water. If you wear pettiness, then you are willfully choosing to box yourself in and are admitting you’d rather feel ugly thoughts or behave badly toward other people than live with peace and joy and contentment. Pettiness does have a slimming effect, though, in that it makes your face look drawn. If you must continue to wear pettiness, then at least give up wearing the color yellow because the combination makes you look like a ghoul.

  • Sticks

    – The kind of stick that finds its way into a person’s ass. Get the stick out of your ass. By the time we hit that half-century mark, we should be beyond contributing to the women bashing women movement. We should not only refuse to share memes comparing a Kardashian to a Diana, we should point out how damaging they are to all women. I have to think if a woman feels compelled to slut shame, ridicule or tear down another woman, it has to be because there is a huge, throbbing stick up her ass. Also, this really doesn’t just apply to women over fifty. The sticks need be removed regardless which decade you are currently in. Having a stick up your ass sucks all the joy out of your life. Then you get wrinkles. This is science, people.

I’m not saying that I don’t have to extract the occasional stick or that I am never petty or bitter. None of us are perfect, but there isn’t any reason we can’t try to shed some habits that are better left behind.

Shedding baggage becomes more important as we age. This middle part of life is a lot more fun than I thought it would be. I’m finding that the lighter I pack, the easier it is to find the fun parts.

If you missed part One just click here:

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About the author, Michelle Combs

wearRubber Shoes In Hell

Rubber Shoes In Hell was born while talking with a friend at my old job. Priscilla, Queen of the Cubicle. You can read about her here.

Anyway, she worked on the opposite side of the building and we got through our days instant messaging each other. One conversation included her saying that when she went to hell, she was wearing flip flops and I responded, “You would wear rubber shoes in hell.”

As soon as I hit send, I knew I was starting a new blog. That was in March of 2013 and I’ve done nothing but fall more in love with this space and the connections I have made.

wearI adore blogging and I know that writing has had a positive impact on my mental health. I have explored parental narcissism, depression, anxiety and menopause. These excavations are not always pleasant or easy, but have been so very worth it.

I’m digging finding my voice.

I can be found on The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, The Mid, Blunt Moms, In The Powder Room, Vibrant Nation, Better After Fifty, Midlife Boulevard, Mock Moms, Sammiches and Psych Meds and Erma Bombecks Writers’ Workshop and now, GRANDmagazine.com

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Christine Crosby

About the author

Christine is the co-founder and editorial director for GRAND Magazine. She is the grandmother of five and great-grandmom (aka Grandmere) to one. She makes her home in St. Petersburg, Florida.

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