Longdistance Grandparenting: When Grandparenting Comes with Grief and Miles
BY KERRY BYRNE, PH.D.
After hearing from thousands of long-distance grandparents over the last several years, I’ve come to understand how deeply they love – and how hard they work to nurture bonds with their grandchildren. They love fiercely, even from afar. They show up with creativity, resilience, and intention. And at the same time, many carry a quiet grief that often goes unseen.
“They grieve not getting to be the “pop-in” kind of grandparent – the one who reads bedtime stories in person or cheers from the sidelines on Saturday mornings.”
Long-distance grandparents are profoundly grateful to be grandparents, and they are also grieving. They grieve the proximity they thought they’d have, the simple everydayness of being nearby. They grieve not getting to be the “pop-in” kind of grandparent – the one who reads bedtime stories in person or cheers from the sidelines on Saturday mornings.
And that grief, while not always visible, is very real.
Most of them never expected to live far from their grandchildren. However, life, through careers, relationships, or global moves, has shaped a reality that differs from what they once imagined. They are proud of the lives their children and grandchildren are building. And still, they’re navigating a version of grandparenting that doesn’t always align with what they hoped for themselves.
“But even amid these challenges, many long-distance grandparents find new purpose. They get creative. They play peekaboo through screens, invent long-distance games, look up conversation starters, and nurture bonds that transcend geography.”
More than anything, long-distance grandparents want to feel connected—and, like every grandparent, they want to know they matter. They want to know that the effort they put into staying close across miles and time zones matters, too. They’re mailing packages with care, recording story time videos, looking for flight deals like it’s a full-time job, and doing their best to remain relevant in a world that often equates closeness with physical presence.
And some days, it’s harder than others. It’s hard not to feel sad after a short video chat. It’s hard not to compare themselves to grandparents who live minutes away and enjoy weekly visits. But even amid these challenges, many long-distance grandparents find new purpose. They get creative. They play peekaboo through screens, invent long-distance games, look up conversation starters, and nurture bonds that transcend geography.
This summer, some long-distance grandparents may be lucky enough to travel for a visit, and those visits are often filled with joy and connection but also layered with emotion. The countdown to goodbye begins almost as soon as the hugs begin.
If you’re a grandparent who lives close, consider checking in with your long-distance peers. Ask how they’re doing. Invite them to share what helps them stay connected, or simply how it feels. Don’t say “at least you have FaceTime” – because although that’s true, it’s a far second to being there in person for all the little and big moments with a grandchild.
Instead, just listen. Validate what they’re feeling.
And if you’re a long-distance grandparent yourself, know this: your feelings are valid. Your grief is real. Your love is not diminished by distance – it is revealed in the steady and consistent ways you show up, even if grandparenting looks far different than what you hoped for.
To support you in this journey, I created a resource guide, grounded in my work with long-distance grandparents and the research on what truly helps. You can check it out here: Coping with the Grief of Grandparenting from a Distance: A Resource Guide
The grief is real. But so is the connection you’re working so hard to build. Being far away doesn’t make your love smaller – it only asks it to stretch.
If you’re a long-distance grandparent click here to learn more about how you can be a successful long-distance grandparent.
