Grandparenting A Child With Autism
BY JENNIFER M. KAUFMAN, M.S.E.T., M.A.Ed.L.
The first time I held Ben in the hospital, I did what came naturally—I played a simple game that had been passed down through generations in our family. “Here I come. Here I come…” I said, walking my fingers up his tiny newborn arm. It was a moment of pure connection, unmarked by labels or diagnoses. It was just a grandmother and her grandson beginning their relationship in a room filled with love and hope.
As he grew from infant to toddler, I watched Ben’s development with two sets of eyes—those of an adoring grandmother and those of a school principal who had worked with hundreds of children on the autism spectrum. These dual perspectives sometimes created an internal tension that I wasn’t prepared for.
When he was around 18 months old, I began noticing patterns familiar to me from my professional experience—social communication differences, repetitive behaviors, and sensory sensitivities that resembled those of students in my school. As a principal, I recognized potential signs of autism. As a grandmother, I wanted to attribute these differences to other factors: maybe a hearing issue(I asked my daughter, Layla, about this multiple times – much to her dismay, hoping that might be the answer), perhaps developmental delays related to the pandemic isolation, or simply a unique personality developing in its own time.
“The most important realization was that loving Ben completely—exactly as he is—matters more than any professional insight I could offer. This doesn’t mean my background isn’t useful, but it does mean that connection comes before correction, and relationship before expertise.”
This cognitive dissonance—knowing professionally what might be happening while emotionally wanting a different explanation— is common among grandparents with specialized knowledge. The professional part of me knew early intervention would be crucial if Ben was indeed on the spectrum. The grandmother in me wanted to protect both my grandson and my daughter from a potentially challenging journey ahead.
I found myself carefully weighing when to share observations and when to simply be present as a supportive grandmother. When I did share professional insights with my daughter, Layla, I tried to do so gently, respecting that she and her husband, Sal, were the parents and primary decision-makers. Sometimes my approach worked well; other times, I found myself overstepping or being dismissed despite my expertise.
What I’ve learned through this process is that professional knowledge, while valuable, must take a back seat to emotional intelligence when navigating the grandparent role. Understanding autism clinically is entirely different from processing what it means for your beloved grandchild and your adult child’s family.
“What helps most is remembering that while my professional experience informs my understanding, my heart guides my actions as a grandmother.”
The most important realization was that loving Ben completely—exactly as he is—matters more than any professional insight I could offer. This doesn’t mean my background isn’t useful, but it does mean that connection comes before correction, and relationship before expertise.
For grandparents with professional knowledge related to child development, education, or medicine, this balance can be particularly challenging. You may see signs that others miss or worry about issues that haven’t been addressed yet. You might feel an urgency to share what you know or frustration when your expertise isn’t immediately embraced.
If you find yourself in this position, remember that your most important role is not as an expert but as a loving grandparent who provides unconditional support. Your professional insights can be valuable when shared respectfully and at appropriate times, but they should never overshadow your primary role in the family system.
The journey of reconciling professional knowledge with grandmother love continues daily for me. With each visit, phone call, and milestone, I learn more about finding this balance. What helps most is remembering that while my professional experience informs my understanding, my heart guides my actions as a grandmother.
This is an authorized excerpt from Grandparenting on the Spectrum A Journey From Both Sides of the Desk.
