Zero to Three
What’s new? Gentle parenting
BY KATHY KINSNER
Every generation seems to approach parenting in a new way. You may have heard someone in the media, or possibly even in your own household, mention the latest trend of “gentle parenting.” If you were curious, or maybe even a little skeptical, read on.
The roots of gentle parenting:
A decade or so ago, gentle parenting emerged as a response to discipline ideas from previous generations, when the focus was on making kids “behave.” Harsh punishments, such as spanking and shaming, were often part of that older parenting style. While that approach might get children to comply in the short term, what kids learned was that aggression was an OK way to solve problems. (In fact, over 20 years of research suggests that children who experience physical discipline show more aggressive behavior themselves.) Gentle parenting instead prioritizes building a safe, secure, nurturing relationship with the child. Gentle parenting is not permissive. Children do not get to do whatever they want, whenever they want. The limits set by adults are seen as teaching opportunities, rather than attempts to punish or stop behavior.
How gentle parenting has evolved:
Many social media influencers have weighed in on gentle parenting. Often, they promote the myth that any limit-setting for children is somehow damaging or traumatic for them. This is an exhausting prospect for adults, and a scary situation for kids, who actually thrive on safe limits, predictability, and routine. The truth is: children thrive when limits are set kindly, consistently, and age-appropriately.
How you can be a “gentle grandparent”:
Gentle parenting recognizes a child’s developmental stage and responds accordingly. For example, in times of stress (and let’s face it, a LOT of things are stressful when you’re 2 years old), toddlers cannot calm themselves down. The part of their brain responsible for self-control is still wiring itself. So, they simply can’t do it any more than they can fix themselves a sandwich or make a quick run to the grocery store. However, they can do it with help, which is where the gentle parent comes in.
Gentle parenting skips blame, shame, and punishment and focuses on helping a child feel seen, heard, and understood, something most grandparents excel at. But the adult still holds the line on what’s expected.
Example:
The sun is setting, and you announce that it’s time to leave the playground. Your favorite 2-year-old throws themselves to the ground and screams. You say: “I know it’s hard to leave when you’re having fun. I can help—do you want to walk or ride in the stroller?” You can even offer a hug as comfort and acknowledgment of their grief. But you’re headed home, no matter what.
Gentle parenting has two parts:
- The adult is the calm one. The parent (or grandparent) is the child’s firm, kind coach.
- Nobody’s perfect, and gentle-ish parenting is fine. When the adult loses their temper (and most everybody does), they can pause and reset. “I’m sorry I yelled.” The person apologizing is teaching and connecting in this moment, modeling how people behave when they hurt each other’s feelings.
Gentle parenting builds relationships, showing children they can count on the important adults in their lives no matter what. Want to know more? Check out the gentle parenting guidance from ZERO TO THREE.
