BY DONNA M. BUTTS
Today, in the United States, more than 2.4 million children live in grandfamilies in the care of grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings or close family friends. In her new book, Grandfamilies: Stories of Children and the Loving Relatives Who Raise Them, Donna Butts, former longtime executive director of Generations United, sheds light on the ongoing fight for the recognition and resources these families deserve. Through heartfelt personal accounts, grandfamily members of all ages and backgrounds share their experiences, giving voice to the millions across this nation who have come together in the spirit of hope and resilience to imagine a better future for their loved ones. This is an excerpt from the book.
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“Old Man Wisdom.” GRAND Voice: JJ Hitch
When my sister Toni was six, she packed a suitcase of clothes and another of toys, got on her bike, and pedaled two blocks to the house of our grandparents, Daniel and Margaret, just outside Detroit. She left my two brothers and me behind, where we lived with our father, who abused alcohol and the two eldest brothers. It was a violent, chaotic household. Toni had reached her breaking point. She didn’t have to say anything; I knew she was not coming back.
It didn’t take my brothers and me long before we followed her. We were all welcomed by our loving grandparents, who did their best to care for us and give us a sense of safety that our parents couldn’t. Adding four kids created a warm but overflowing house that only had three bedrooms for seven people.
You can imagine the impact our arrival had on my grandparents. My grandpa was seventy-two at the time and had worked at Chrysler for forty-four years. He had planned to retire with the package he was offered but had to postpone his retirement for another five years. My grandmother was sixty-two and still working the midnight shift at a fast-food chain.
Suddenly they had complete responsibility for four kids. I was fourteen and the oldest; Toni was the youngest. The expenses were incredible. My grandparents had to buy bedroom furniture, clothes, and food for us. Their income was very limited, so it was extremely difficult for them.
Our father protested us kids leaving, so Child Protective Services got involved. They determined the home we’d run away from, our parents’, endangered our well-being, so they formally placed all four of us with our grandparents.
Unfortunately, as the caseworkers began their home visits to my grandparents’ house, they saw what they considered to be a hazardous living situation that didn’t meet foster care licensing standards. They threatened to take us into custody.
The problem was that while my grandparents’ house was safe and filled with love, it didn’t have enough bedrooms or bathrooms to meet the state’s criteria.
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My grandpa loved nature. He had bought ten acres before we came to live with him and had been building his retirement house there. With the state pressuring him and my grandma, the need to finish the new house accelerated. My uncle helped by teaching us to lay the hardwood floors, and we all did everything we could when we weren’t in school.
I was in high school at the time, and it was a four-year blur in flight mode to survive. When the state would come to inspect the house that we were scrambling to build, there was always something that needed fixing. The standards were designed for strangers in foster care—not a family. The handrails, the blinds, the paint on the walls, and the grout on the tiles; the red tape of the system needed to be completed before we could enjoy the love of that home.
It seemed so shallow to me when my life was in danger. So, we’d go back to pulling all-nighters to try to fix what the system found unsuitable. We didn’t want to be taken away and either split up between different foster homes or worse, placed back with our parents, who still had the same problems we’d left behind.
Construction costs and meeting our basic needs meant my grandparents were spending more than they could bring in. One time they were six months behind on the house payment and were told they’d be evicted.
My grandparents were forced to file for bankruptcy. We all felt responsible. It ruined their credit. For years, my grandparents struggled to care financially for us and recover from bankruptcy. The house they built created a home base for us.
“I thank my grandpa for teaching me to get in tune with nature and the courage to continue to grow in the ever-changing world.”
Three of us went on to do well. Toni graduated from high school, and one of our brothers went into the military. The other one didn’t do so well.
I joined an organization called FosterClub and became a young activist advocating for changes in foster care. I spoke at one of the national GrandRallies in Washington, DC, and shared a poem I’d written for other kids who’d had experiences like mine. It was a message of hope.
Working with other advocates, we were successful at changing laws, but I knew I couldn’t wear that youth badge all my life. I went on to get my master of arts in communication, the first person in my family to get a college degree.
I worked in eye donations, and now I’m in tissue procurement. I’m creating a silver lining out of death. I know what I’m doing helps someone. It feels good when I hear from someone who’s benefited from my work. That makes me feel whole and complete.
I miss my grandpa. He eventually passed away in his comfortable chair with his kitty on his lap under his left arm. I will always have the memories of peace and long conversations with him. He taught me all he could—eat better, think better. You know, old man wisdom with an occasional dirty joke!
He is the one who connected us to nature and a life that pays forward. I hope he knows his sacrifices weren’t in vain. Grandpa made so many things happen for us. He’s always the voice there with me. I’m always trying to think the way he did.
Being able to connect with and love nature makes the biggest impact on me. I’m still healing from injuries. Nature is where I go to find peace. I thank my grandpa for teaching me to get in tune with nature and the courage to continue to grow in the ever-changing world.
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