Divorce: Here’s how grandparents can help
BY KATHY KINSNER
When we think about divorce, we often think about its negative impact on children, like the questions of custody and the profound change to family structure that children experience. But children can continue to thrive in the face of this change when their parents do not engage in conflict, when children continue to maintain strong relationships with both parents, and when they can turn to other supportive relationships in their lives as well. That’s where grandparents come in! Here’s how you can help:
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Recognize your own feelings of loss.
If your adult child is headed for divorce, you’re likely to have some big feelings: concern for their well-being and a wish to make things easier for them; disappointment; maybe blame or anger at the adults and the choices they’ve made. Maybe relief. And a keen desire to support your grandchildren and preserve your relationship with them. It’s important to acknowledge those feelings, but keep your grandchild out of the mix. Your job is to take care of you. Their job is to be a child, not be put in a position where they have to comfort you or defend their parent.
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Keep doing what you’ve been doing.
Parents going through a divorce may feel overwhelmed with logistics, anger, or grief. Your steady presence—the thing that stays the same when everything else is changing—may be immensely comforting to your grandchild. If your routine is a weekly Zoom chat or showing up at every ball game, try to preserve that time together. Remaining friendly and courteous with the child’s other parent, if they are part of these routines, may be a difficult—but critical—part of supporting your grandchild.
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Be a safe place to talk about feelings.
Ask your adult child what your grandchild knows about the divorce, so you can be prepared if your grandchild has questions. You can be a place to vent; you can always tell me how you are feeling. I am here for you. You can also be a place of reassurance: Divorce is never the kids’ fault. Or validation: Your parents are really struggling, and I’m sure that’s hard to watch. It’s also important to know where your role ends. It’s okay to say: I don’t know the answer to that. I think you should ask your mom/dad/parents.
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Expect changes in behavior.
Even babies sense tension between the people they love. Because they cannot express their feelings in words, they express themselves through their behavior. Children might be cranky, fearful, or clingy. They may become more aggressive or more withdrawn. There may be changes in their eating, sleeping, and even toileting patterns. Older children may withdraw from activities they typically enjoy, do poorly in school, or act out in anger. You can help reframe the possible meaning behind these changes if parents ask. If you see these changes yourself, your steady, consistent, and loving response will help.
Avoid leaping in with criticism even when adults are behaving badly. Children need to feel they can have a relationship with both parents without “betraying” one or the other (or a grandparent they love). Years down the road, you may find yourself celebrating holidays and big life events with your child’s ex, and you’ll be glad you kept your cool even when others were losing theirs.
