10 Unspoken Rules for Mothers of the Groom on Their Son’s Wedding Day
BY LESLEY KOEPPEL
With more than 30 years of experience as a psychotherapist and the mother of two married sons, Lesley Koeppel, LCSW, shares 10 tips from her book, How to Be the “Perfect” Mother-in-Law: A Lighthearted Guide for Moms of Married Sons.
“It may not be a role we talk about often, and when we do, it is usually the punchline of a joke. But becoming a mother-in-law can stir up surprising anxiety, frustration, and family drama when the unspoken rules are not understood,” Koeppel said.
These 10 Unspoken Rules can help mothers of the groom as their son’s big day approaches:
1. This is not your wedding. Even if you are contributing financially, the vision belongs to the couple.
2. Ask before offering opinions. A simple, “Would you like my thoughts?” can prevent lasting resentment.
3. Support your son without undermining his bride. Encouraging him should never come at her expense.
4. Do not manage the bride’s emotions. An anxious or stressed bride does not need fixing, coaching, or perspective. She needs understanding.
5. Respect that “no” is a complete sentence. Do not give pushback if you receive this as an answer to anything.
6. Stay out of guest list politics, unless invited in. This is one of the most sensitive areas and the easiest place to cause lasting harm.
7. On the wedding day, be a calm presence. Your job is not to direct, correct, or comment but rather to radiate steadiness and joy.
8. Follow the couple’s lead on traditions. What they include or exclude does not reflect love or gratitude.
9. Don’t assert your preferences on anything. The more invisible you can make your own preferences, the more visible your grace becomes. Your success is measured by how little attention you draw to yourself.
10. If you feel tempted to “just handle it,” step away from the clipboard! This is not your event. No one has appointed you the Director of Operations!
How to Be the “Perfect” Mother-in-Law: A Lighthearted Guide for Moms of Married Sons
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Lesley Koeppel, LCSW, is a psychotherapist with more than 30 years of experience helping individuals and families navigate serious health challenges and the most complicated relationships in life. In her New York City private practice, she has counseled countless women who, alongside personal struggles, often reveal the unspoken tensions between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. As a therapist and mother-in-law herself, Lesley brings compassion, humor, a direct approach, and clarity to a subject routinely joked about but rarely explored honestly in her debut book.
